Mom came again. How to build relationships with mother-in-law and mother-in-law

«…And they lived happily ever after». For many young and middle-aged couples, family happiness is overshadowed by the presence of a mother who strives to intervene and help. The spouses get annoyed and dream that their mother (and sometimes there are two of them) disappear and live their own separate life. At the same time, believing that this will solve all their problems. Is this so and what will happen if you manage to get rid of your mother, aif.ru asked gestalt therapist Allu Bazhan.

Often, spouses choose to leave and settle away from their parents, thus trying to solve the problem of «too active mother». However, it is quite easy to do it physically, but not emotionally. When the separation has not been passed (after all, if the mother “interferes” with life, then it has not been passed), even leaving for Mars will not be enough. Mom will go with you in your head and continue to declare in an edifying tone: she chose the wrong man, this is not how your wife raises my grandchildren, and so on. Over the long years of growing up, mom settles well and takes root inside each person.

Happy children are born to happy parents

Many people think that relationship problems begin after years of marriage. Nevertheless, people begin to make mistakes, absolutely not noticing them even at the stage of choosing a partner. At the dating stage, lovers ignore and deny a lot. This is what subsequently turns into an unexpected explosion. Parents, seeing the mistakes they know in the behavior of their children, try to give advice and save their beloved child from inevitable difficulties. However, this not only does not help, but can annoy already adult children.

In order to find out for yourself where a relationship with a future spouse can lead, just look at both him and your parents. Not on how mother treats her son-in-law, but on how mother treats her husband. Growing up, the girl is identified with her mother as a wife. Even if the girl’s mother keeps repeating how important it is to love and respect her husband, bringing warm pies to her son-in-law, the daughter will copy her mother’s attitude towards her father, which she constantly observed in childhood. It just could have looked completely different: cook it yourself, where did you go, did you bring the money ?! Throughout her life, mother showed her daughter: «I am unhappy as a wife and woman.» The grain of future difficulties was buried where the woman did not take responsibility for her choice and tried with every fiber to shift it to her husband, rolling out one claim after another to him. If my mother had acted differently and said: “I made a mistake, I married the wrong one. Your dad is good, but not for me,” the girl would remember that she has a choice and responsibility for it. But women rarely do this. More often, they stay in a relationship, attacking the man and blaming him for all the failures. Many mothers try to correct their mistakes through relationships with children, giving them advice or trying to do something for them.

The same story with the boy: the mother tells her son that she loves him, and her husband that he is a “goat”. Unfortunately, growing up, the boy is identified with the role of dad, who was the husband — the same «goat». As his wife, he will choose a woman who will be unhappy with him all the time.

If a person does not realize whose and what scenarios he lives, does not change them, then, as a rule, he repeats the relationship of his parents. Even if the chosen one was originally «not a goat», then gradually, imperceptibly to everyone, he becomes one. In this case, the mother is a kind of rescuer who is trying to help the child not repeat her “faults of youth”.

Why does your mom need the keys to our apartment?

A mother who is not passionate about her life and relationships may meddle in her son’s or daughter’s family affairs. Often a mother thinks: “First, I will help to improve the lives of my children, and then I will take care of mine.” This is because a woman considers her adult child to be small, who cannot cope without her. It is important for the children themselves to see that the intervention of their parents occurs with their consent and they broadcast their immaturity and failure. If mom interferes with life, it is worth asking the question: “What did I do so that my mother would not interfere in my life?” It turns out that in such cases, parents often help their children financially, take their grandchildren to the garden or to circles, clean the apartment, and sometimes adult children even live on their mother’s territory. Thus, they “save” to buy a car, an apartment or pay for a vacation by the sea.

Mom don’t go

If you deeply understand the problem of “mom”, it turns out that it’s not entirely about her and you don’t need to run away from her to the other side of the world or hate her, dreaming of getting rid of persistent attention as soon as possible. Such relationships indicate that boundaries are blurred in the family. They do not exist both between children and parents, and in a pair between spouses. One of the indicators of such relationships is the thought: «If only they would not know that I did or did not do something.» This suggests that there is a lot of external control in the relationship and there is no responsibility for one’s own actions. It is worth noting that such a relationship is based on mutual fault. On the one hand, the child feels guilty — he offends his mother, not letting her into his life, and on the other hand, he blames his parents for not loving him enough. A sense of guilt does not allow you to translate the relationship into the format: adult parent — adult child.

To restore the boundaries, children will have to limit their mother’s power, demonstrating their independence to her and reinforcing it with their actions: “Mom, I love you, but I have already grown up and am ready to solve my own problems. If I need advice, I’ll ask you for it.» It is important that words do not diverge from deeds.

Mom is the third spare

Just like that, taking mom out of the game and becoming happy will not work. Often, a mother is a safe figure in order to unite with her spouse against the “enemy”, taking out on her the aggression and resentment that accumulate in a couple. This happens for the following reason: partners cannot openly tell each other what they do not like in a relationship and express their feelings directly. In this case, the spouses as a couple feel unstable, and the mother only helps to maintain balance. If she leaves, then someone else will come in her place: a child, a friend, a neighbor — or the couple breaks up. To prevent this from happening, it is important to learn to recognize your needs and build a frank dialogue with your partner.

If mom messed up, then once upon a time when raising her child. Expelling her by punishing her for past elections is pointless. This is an attempt to ignore the real difficulties in the relationship. It is enough to take responsibility, understand the cause-and-effect relationships and learn to build relationships in a new way, and not blame your mother, whatever she may be.